My Breastfeeding Journey

Long before I became pregnant, I knew I wanted to breastfeed. I wanted to breastfeed because the nutrition that my child would get from me is unmatchable to any formula. I wanted to breastfeed because I wanted that special bond and closeness.
So I did just what I wanted...I breastfed. Hollis was exclusively breastfed her first week; I would feed on demand in hopes of my milk coming in and satisfying what I thought was just a super hungry Hollis ( she was literally on my breast all day).

After 3 days of my milk not coming in I was overwhelmed with stressed. I called the lactation specialist at the hospital multiple times and they all told me it could take up to a week for my milk to come in. So I continued to wait and continued offering my breast whenever possible. Hollis would cry when she wasn't feeding and would sleep in short spurts only to feed again and fall asleep on me. Come to find out at her first well check (4 days after birth), she was not getting enough to eat from me. Her weight had dropped from 8 lbs 2 oz to 7 lbs 8oz. The doctor (which we didn't like by the way...he lacked compassion, wasn't informative and stumbled when we asked questions. We switched docs immediately) told us "she was starving" after seeing her weight and listening to her stomach. Of course I lost it, right there in the doctors office; I picked up Hollis and cried and continued to tell her and Ryan I was sorry. The doctor told me to supplement with formula but to continue breastfeeding and pumping. I did what he said and left with a quart of premixed formula. I gave Hollis a bottle and she slept peacefully while I cried wondering what I was doing wrong.

In reality I wasn't doing anything "wrong". I was pumping, breastfeeding and everything in between to get my supply up. After a week and a half of wrestling my emotions, questioning myself and Hollis' doctor, we went to visit a lactation specialist. We showed up at the appointment with Hollis ready to feed! Before she fed (breastmilk only) the lactation specialist did a precise pre- and post-feeding weights in order to measure how much milk Hollis took in during our feeding. While I fed Hollis the lactation consultant watched to make sure our technique wasn't the problem (I wish I could say it was), and it wasn't...Hollis latched perfectly and was sucking hard. After about 20 minutes of breastfeeding the lactation consultant weighed Hollis and it showed that she had consumed only 4 cc's (a little less than a teaspoon) of milk! After that weigh in I felt that heart wrenching emotion of "what am I doing wrong" all over again. The lactation consultant encouraged me to meet with my OB and discuss my options for a prescription to help boost my supply, since all my other efforts weren't working.

After leaving the lactation specialist, I immediately called my OB. We talked about my situation and my options and decided to prescribe to me Reglan. I was prescribed a 10 day dose and was told that it may cause depression and tiredness (as if I needed ANY help in that department, I already had the baby blues and was running on fumes) but should boost my supply by day 3. Reglan DID make me feel extremely tired and heightened my emotions, but it DID NOT boost my supply. In addition to breastfeeding Hollis (while still supplementing with formula), I also pumped...when I pumped I would only get half an ounce from both breast each time. Half an ounce? That was a bummer! EVERY single time I would pump I would say a little prayer and hope that my supply would be up, but each pumping session ended with tears when I saw my results.

After much prayer and talks with Ryan, I decided to continue breastfeeding and then supplement with formula. Yes, Hollis was only getting half an ounce to an ounce from me each feeding, but to me it was worth it. We would nurse for about 30- 40 minutes and then give her a bottle afterwards. I told myself I would do this until her 2 month shots; I figured that my little bit of milk may help her immune system. So, I breastfed and formula fed to 2 months but I didn't stop...I wasn't ready.

Somewhere along the line Hollis dropped her night feeding (I'd have to look back to remember which week) so I would wake up at 3:00 AM and pump to keep my *very small* supply up. For some reason during those pump sessions I would pump the most milk- I would pump anywhere from one ounce to an ounce and a half. I remember one night I pumped and got 2 ounces of milk! 2 ounces of liquid gold!!! I ran back to our bedroom and woke Ryan up from a deep sleep smiling so big and so excited about my 2 ounces! That night I had shift of emotions; I knew that regardless if Hollis was getting 8cc from me or a full 2 ounces that I was doing what was right for US! I stay home with Hollis so if it meant sacrificing a hour to hour and 15 mins per feeding to get the breastfeeding and formula in, then I was going to do it!

At 3 months Hollis started turning my breast away but as soon as we would offer her the bottle she would inhale it. So for a couple of weeks I would just pump and pour my milk in with her formula. Then I decided to try giving her the bottle first then offering my breast. That worked, so we did that for 2 and a half months. The last month Hollis slowly weaned herself from breastfeeding. She would nurse for shorter amounts of time until she just stopped nursing at all. Our official last day of breast feeding was 4 days after she turned 5 months old. As hard as it was to stop breastfeeding, the way it ended was perfect. It was Hollis' choice, not mine.

To say my breastfeeding journey has been a roller coaster would be an understatement, but I wouldn't change a single thing. I DID breastfeed and provide Hollis with "Mother's best". I DID get that bonding experience. But you know what? I still am giving Hollis the best and I still get to bond with her and Daddy does too!

Breastfeeding is such an amazing gift. I will forever cherish every single nursing session I had with Hollis. I thank God for blessing me with a child who loves to cuddle and fall asleep in my arms...those moments are just as tender as our nursing ones.